Cleansing of the soul

Making good progress on resurrection. Landed on page 165 this morning. I’ll pull out some passages that catch my attention either though the content it focuses upon…the general style Tolstoy uses in a passage… or the general feeling that arises after I read it.

The following is from chapter XXVIII – The Awakening

More than once in Nekhlyudov's life there had been what he called a "cleansing of the soul." By "cleansing of the soul" he meant a state of mind in which, after a long period of sluggish inner life, a total cessation of its activity, he began to clear out all the rubbish that had accumulated in his soul, and was the cause of the cessation of the true life. His soul needed cleansing as a watch does. After such an awakening Nekhlyudov always made some rules for himself which he meant to follow forever after, wrote his diary, and began afresh a life which he hoped never to change again. "Turning over a new leaf," he called it to himself in English. But each time the temptations of the world entrapped him, and without noticing it he fell again, often lower than before.

…

… "Have you not tried before to perfect yourself and become better, and nothing has come of it?" whispered the voice of the tempter within. "What is the use of trying any more? Are you the only one? - All are alike, such is life," whispered the voice. But the free spiritual being, which alone is true, alone powerful, alone eternal, had already awakened in Nekhlyudov, and he could not but believe it.

…

He prayed, asking God to help him, to enter into him and cleanse him; and what he was praying for had happened already: the God within him had awakened his consciousness. He felt himself one with Him, and therefore felt not only the freedom, fullness and joy of life, but all the power of righteousness. All, all the best that a man could do he felt capable of doing.

His eyes filled with tears as he was saying all this to himself, good and bad tears: good because they were tears of joy at the awakening of the spiritual being within him, the being which had been asleep all these years; and bad tears because they were tears of tenderness to himself at his own goodness.

I don’t think there has been an extended period of time where I have looked at myself and wished and sought help at cleansing the evil/negative/bad/wicked parts out of me. I feel that I am very critical of my psychological being. I question my decision making; I question my own self control and discipline.

How do I go about cleansing myself?

Honestly, I feel that I am seeking, and have been seeking an answer to that question for years…yes- years. I’d also like to think that some of the process of doing these readings and wrings will allow me to work on correcting what I’d like to call “character flaws”.

Do I pray?

That’s a tough one as I struggle to recognize and understand my own feelings about a “being” to “pray to”.

Am I praying to the god within me – or am I praying to the “God” that is floating up in the clouds?

Who or what am I seeking assistance from. Am I attempting to rally my own forces within me to fight against that which I am battling against – or am I seeking some sort of external assistance? Does that external existence even exist?

The real question then becomes, is this questioning of an existence a good thing or a harmful thing?

I do not see the harm in questioning the existence or lack of existence of a “being”.

What I am sure of though is that I exist and I have a voice within me that I listen to.

I think that this questioning of existence and the realization of the “being” within me is one of the reasons why I have finally been able to tackle this novel. I don’t think that Tolstoy’s writing would have held me in the past as it is doing now.

Today’s WTFED is rather fitting.

“Atheism indicates that a person has some intellect but only to a certain limited extent. Both the truly wise and the completely stupid are not atheists.”

Well now…something to dwell on.